I swear I'm not makin this shit up

Welp, I cut the beard off and had my hair dipped. Now I need to lose some weight again. This shouldn't be too hard after last week's FIVE DAYS OF TRIPPIN TO HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO ELECTRIC FRENCHFRY LAND. "Why?", you might ask if this medium was a lil more interactive and if you di'n't ask I'd tell you anyways. I may give you a choice... listen to this tale, or I break out the "Did I Ever Tell You About Having 8 Hangnails Removed From My Freekin Toes?" and proceed fromtherely.

It started as all things do on a Monday afternoon at 4pmish. Each day as part of my high-tech responsibilities at werk I take the outgoing to the post office (if there is any) (outgoing I mean. The post office is always there.).

My werk day begins at 10AM so I generally eat my breakfast between 9:30 and 10:30 which is late for a breakfast so when lunchtime officially arrives, I'm not really so hungry till my 4pmish mail run. Right on the way back from the Post Office is a BurgerKing. It isn't on the way on the way there though cause I go out of my way to make it on my way returning from the post office. Keep up - there's a quiz after maybe.

Now I've got to be one of the most easy to please people around when it comes to eating. I eat plain and will eat the same thing day in day out unless I get some sort of external motivation to alter my pattern. So back to Monday 4pmish sorta on the way back from the post office I swing into the local BurgerKing's drive-up and order.

BOX: Hi would you like to try....
ME: No, I knew what I wanted when I got here dammit!!!" only I don't say my part outloud. Instead I say "I'll have a double cheeseburger mustard only and a medium coke (I always say this that's why I have the double chin).
BOX: "That will be far too much money for what yer getting please drive thru to the first window."

By the way. They only have one window.

So I get my order and as is my custom I start driving back to work unwrappley. I open up the double cheeseburger and it's got onions all over it. I slam on my brakes because as a child whenever I'd get bad grades I'd have to eat a quarter, half or whole raw onion depending on how bad the grades were because I hated onions. I flunked nearly everything. Anyways I can't eat onions. In fact if I was an alien from another planet and I landed here on Earth and set out to find something to eat and came across an onion, I'd inspect it and of course it's one of the most weiredst looking organisms on the planet, and I'd sniff it and it would make all 7 of my eyeballs start to water and I'd conclude this is some kinda poisonish shit and move on.

So I go back to the BK, and I go in cause I aint gonna wait in line again and say hey I ordered a double cheeseburger with mustard only and you gave me this so the lil high school chick yells back to the lil high school cook (the guy what sticks it in the microwave) and says this was sposed to be mustard only and he yells back "oh I thought he said mustard onions". So I'm like that's cool. I have a 15 year old. I know people this age have more important things to think about then reality, so I smile pleasantly and say "I understand... I talk sorta funny. Thank you" and leave.

TUESDAY July whatever date it was last tuesday (today isn't Tuesday it's Wednesday and it's the 14th so you can prolly figger out the date I can't cause if I do I'll fail and someone will make me eat a freekin onion):

I am about to pull into BK when I ask myself what the hell are you doin. There's a Mc Donalds a lil more out of the on the way than the burger king so I'll go there cause dammit I don't even wanna think about onions. So I order a double cheeseburger with ONLY MUSTARD ON IT NOTHING ELSE JUST MUSTARD and a medium coke. And she's all drive up to the first window and being a more profitable franchise they have a second window to go get yer food after you pay. So the second window sticks its head out all "you'll have to wait - pull up over to the side and we'll bring it out to you". So I'm like great - I go 10 minutes out of my on the way and now I'm waiting and for what.

During the next FIVE FREEKIN minutes I wait, with nothin to do but ponder the making of a freekin double cheeseburger with mustard only. First, you take out a bun then you slap two precooked mcbeef patties on it, place a slice of that yellow cheese looking stuff on it, squirt it with mustard and stick it in the freekin microwave. In fact, it takes LESS TIME TO MAKE A MUSTARD ONLY DOUBLE CHEESEBUGER so what the hell am I waiting for and then someone comes out all bagly, like sorry for the wait.

So I drive off thinking I need to stop and get gas, so I don't wanna start eating and then have to interrupt my meal whilst I pump gas, so I have to drive about 4 miles to the nearest station. I get my gas. Now I'm like 10 minutes after my Mc Donald's drive off - I open my burger and it's got more shit on it than a bad BurgerKing order. So I slam on the brakes and donut my way back. They're all sorry and here's yer order (I only had to wait 30 seconds this time go figger).

WEDNESDAY July the day after the TUESDAY above:

I counclude that it makes no difference - BK or MD - they're both gonna get you and BK is closer. This time though, I'll park and go inside to order and that way make sure they do my order right.

HER: Can I help you?
ME: I'll have a double cheeseburger with ONLY MUSTARD on it and a medium coke. (Note this time "mustard only" cannot become "mustard onions" and I hold the LEEEEEEE in ONLY for like 30 seconds). Then to really send get my order across I repeat myself with "that's JUST MUSTARD" (HA HA!! Turn THAT into mustard onions!)

And I watch and listen real close, ready to step in at any point in the procedure to provide guidance.

HER: (to the microwave technician) DOUBLE CHEESE BURGER MUSTARD ONLY

HIM: (voice crackling with puberty) DOUBLE CHEESE BURGER MUSTARD ONLY

So, having witnessed the passing of the order I wander off to get my own coke unlike those high faluting drive thrus. I come back the to counter and he is passing the package to her thru that lil thing they pass packages thru if they don't just leave them there for hours.

HIM: Here's your DOUBLE CHEESEBUGER MUSTARD ONLY.

I pay keen attention never letting my eye leave the package as she puts it in the bag. I'm the only customer in the place and I don't want any confusion. So GREAT! I hop back into my car, drive down the road and oepn my burger. It's got EVERYTHING on it. I dunno what all they slap on these things but I caught a glimpse of onions and pickle and ketchup and gawd knows what but it wasn't pretty and then I quit lookin cause I need to slam on my brakes. So I drive back and go back inside.

ME: I want to know how I can order a DOUBLE CHEESBURGER MUSTARD ONLY, have you repeat my order back to me, listen to you tell Captain Fries DOUBLE CHEESBURGER MUSTARD ONLY, watch as he hands you the burger and says again DOUBLE CHEESBURGER MUSTARD ONLY and I get this! I spose I'm sort of loud cause the Captain Fries leans down and thru the pass the shit through thing and says "Oh man - I dunno what happened! I just heard 'EVERYTHING BUT MUSTARD'".

So I get my re-made and drive back to work all pissed off thinking ya know it sucks when all you wanna do is relax and eat yer plain old double cheeseburger mustard only like you do day in and day out who needs to gett all pissed off just before you freekin eat that can't be healthy. And coke.

THURSDAY (the next day):

I figger k... BK is closer than MD and both of them are gonna screw up yer lunch, and at BK apparently it doesn't make a dayam bit o' difference whether you order at the box or get all up their face, so the box is easier.

ME: I'll have a double cheeseburger (slowing down my speech and over pronouncing every sill-uh-bull) with JUST MUSTARD on it. Nothing on that double cheeseburger but mustard. And a medium coke.
HER: What else?
ME: That's all.
HER: what about fries?
ME: I dunno, what about them?
HER: Well if you order the combo it's only 20 cents more. And you get fries.
ME: No, I don't want fries.
HER: OK. Drive up to the next window. (they only have one window). You ever wonder how many people would just sit there staring at the squawk box after ordering if no one told them to drive thru? I mean there's only one freeekin place you can go.

I get my order and this time before I leave the parking lot a voice in my head says HEY YOU STUPIT IDIOT LOOK AT YER ORDER BEFORE YOU DRIVE OFF!!! So I do. And it's got everything on it. So I hop outa my car and walk back to the singular window and get between the current car and the current head in the window such that one has a view of my ass and the other a view of my threatening belly and this time I've just reached my limit so I'm all WHAT IS IT? WHY CAN YOU NOT MAKE A SIMPLE DOUBLE CHEESBURGER WITH MUSTARD ONLY? WHY MUST WE DO THIS EVERYDAY? and they're all "Sorry"-looking like geeze what a cranky fart and I gets my order and once again I eat my burger downing it with a mixture of medium coke and the inflammed gastric juices in my gut.

FRIDAY:

Look, it's BK or MD. There isn't anything else around for miles so fuck it I have to eat ya know, so I go back to BurgerKing (who's local slogan is Have it Our Way) and drive up the the squawk box. As soon as her voice came on the box all would-you-like-to-try-etc a single sunbeam broke through a cloud above and passing thru my tinted windshield struck me upside the head with a pulse of enlightenment!

ME: Give me the Chicken Tenders and a medium coke.

It sucked, but it di'n't have a damn thing on it. So I guess I'm offa double cheeseburgers now.